Super Smash Bros 69 The Edgy Brawl
by Mynameisnotjonas
Summary: Have you played Smash Bros and thought "What if it was Edgy?" Well good for you, now you have a story full of swearing, love making, and everything else the typical teenager would adore. But it's too explicit for teens so get off my lawn and wait a few years.
1. Le start

The world sucks. No really, there's whole lot of god awful people and things in this forbidden world. But what if I told you, it was worse. Yes stupid child, before you were born, things were hell. Let me tell about the story of how that changed.

Once upon on a time, there was a man named Mario. He was the pimp of the Mushroom Kingdom. He saved 20 or so princess and slept with them all; He was very unfaithful if you couldn't tell. He was also a fighter. Mario would beat the shit out of anyone who would fuck with him so he decided to professionally fight other people. This brings to the day, the special day. He was put in a fight against Kirby. Kirby was a dirty boy to say the least. He sucked, zucked, cucked, and fucked you up. Who knows what the fuck he is, all we know is he's a badass serial killer. This fight between Mario and Kirby was on the infinite death platform in the wasteland stadium. The platform was 2 miles long and 1 wide and was drenched in blood. Spikes and saws were at the ends of the platform. The fight itself was presented by the sons-of-bitches at nintendo and was sponsored by every living company in the universe. While the people packed into their seats, Mario smoked his weed in the out of view room he was given.

"Da fuk ya smoking Mario?" His manger came in.

"Aw shit dog. Why you be bursting like that?"

"Sorry dogg, just had to tell ya the price of the battle is 2 bitches. They are Peach and Zelda." Mario instantly got a boner.

"So when we fightin'?"

"Five mins." 5 minutes passed and Mario headed out. He came out on a metal road that came from below the sharp weapons and ended on the platform. The two fighters headed to the center of the ring as the fight was set to start. The two princesses were sent onto the ring so they could get the crowd hiped right before the fight. Suddenly a hoard of helicopters came into the stadium.

"Holy shit." Mario said.

The fleet was very big to say the least. Many of the soldiers had guns and suits of armor. One even had a fucking sniper rifle. They were kind of cool looking with really dense blue lines which made them stand out from the red battlefield. Kirby coughed out a gun.

"This came in handy" he said.

He then started to shoot the mysterious men; Mario joined him.

"The two princesses have been kidnapped!" an Announcer stated.

"God fucking dammit" Mario said. "We lost them."

It was a big tragedy that day as all the people were dead because the shooters had shot the crowd.

20 days later. The entire nation was in a panic about the incident. Mario was drinking at the bar with his bar buds, Captain Falcon, Sonic, and his bro Luigi. The bar was quite big with 3 giant tvs broadcasting CNN, Sports Tv, and the bootleg movie channel. Mario was ordering a cocktail when he felt a touch to his back.

"Who the fuck are you?" he said.

"I'm the one who can help you" the mysterious girl said.

Mario looked at the girl and realized it was Samus. she was talking to him as she was interested in saving the world. "okay" Mario said and he brought his gang.

They all entered Samus's ship which was huge. Captain Falcon was impressed by how detailed the ship's interior was, Mario was suspicious of what exactly they were gonna do, and Luigi was paranoid of everything that could go wrong. Sonic, however, was interested in one thing, **dat thicc ass**. Samus may have been wearing regular clothes, not her zero suit, but her tush was barely contained in her jeans.

"So why are we here exactly?" Mario asked Samus.

"Well..." Samus replied. She was becoming quite nervous. "I want to be rehired to my job as I need some money for my 'special things'."

"Well shit, get a job at the local burger joint if you need cash that bad."

"But, here's the thing asshole, I made 6 thousand bucks a WEEK. I can't pay for anything i need if i work at Burger King or any other fast food place. I can't cook or even be hostess or anything except for a bad ass."

"Well fuck me, work with Dog the Bountyhunter or Batman or someone who fights crime if you truly want to be a bad ass."

Samus sighed knowing Mario would not a single fuck about her and her problems.

Maybe bringing these guys was a mistake but she had to go on.The Mario gang, as she called it, slept in her guest room while she slept in her super secret room.

The night was not silent though as Sonic was in fact a horny chilli dog. He hid in the bathroom with his phone and jacked off at the speed of sound, He nutted 30 times. "Fuck, i have a problem." he said.

The next morning. The crew started their journey to gather as many people as they could to save the princesses. Over the next week, they had expanded from 5 rundown heroes to 55 almost bad asses. Now it was it princess saving time. The two princesses were located on a massive airship manned by 3 villains, Bowser, Eggman, and some shady guy. The team went to save them on a day where there was supposedly a meeting on the ship. However, unknown to the team, there was another person on ship whom was not a part of either crew. Enter, Solid Snake.

Snake was sent in by the government to save the two princesses. He may have despised his mission but he had to do it so he snuck onto the ship the night before. He was armed with a handgun and some cigarettes.

"May all of the troops gather for briefing in the deck area." a voice from the speakers boomed.

Many of the robots, animals and soldiers rushed into the deck area, Snake hid in a vent with a tape recorder in hand so he could record the meeting.

"Good day everyone!" Eggman announced. There was silence.

"Hey! Can't you at least thank me for welcoming your sorry asses." More silence.

"Oh never mind, I'm here today to inform you that we have a new mission for you all to do. This mission is quite simple, take over the world."

The crowd cheered and actually started to make some noise.

"Yes my friends we will conquer the dickish assholes who've done us wrong like Mario Sonic..."

"Hey who ya calling an asshole Egg-for-a-dick." Sonic had appeared atop a speaker.

"Get that hedgehog!" The entire fleet appeared as Sonic jumped into the crowd. A bombardment of fighters appeared on the deck as massive fight broke out. Snake quickly ran past the ensuring chaos. Suddenly 2 booming gun shots rang from the platform Eggman was speaking from. A human like figure was standing on the platform with the two princesses in front of him. He look metallic with him mostly being covered in jet black with bright white stripes and shapes surrounding his body.

"Hush now every body." There's was pure silence. He spoke in a quiet voice but it over powered anything else.

"Why must you fight for something you can never win. You all are seeds. Seeds on a fruit. Nothing. Nothing at all. Embodiments of rage, anger, lust, pride, selfishness."

He took out two guns. "I am your lover."

He fires his gun into Peach's head. It crumbles like a watermelon.

"I am your motherfuck."

He then kills Zelda the same way as he did for Peach.

"I am god. I am satan. I am everything. I am nothing. I am a savior. I am the protector."

He said protector deafingly loud causing many to fall back.

"And I feel no pain." he kept saying i feel no pain before it became no pain then i feel pain before it just became i am pain. "and you feel pain."

The Protector said that before the ship started to crash.

It crashed into the forest.


	2. La middle

Captain Falcon awoke covered in leaves. He was launched from the wreckage into the deep jungle. He walked passed the trees and met up with his gang. The gang was the same as before it became a team but with Knuckles and Snake joining the other 5.

"So what the fuck we doin?" Knuckles asked the others.

"I don't fucking know! Ask that Snake bro." Mario replied.

They all turned to Snake.

"Well we need to escape into the city." he said.

"Ok." everyone agreed.

Thus began their track through the jungle.

They followed a trail that lead into a small village. It looked very poor.

"Oh shit, we're in mexico!" Luigi yelled. Some of the locals looked at him.

"You realize that not every poor looking country is Mexico, right?" Samus asked him. "_fucking idiot." _

Upon further inspection it seemed that they were in India. Sonic felt weird. He wasn't horny like last time he felt something odd but instead he felt that everyone was staring at him. Were they gonna kill him or make him a fuckdoll? A small group of children yelled at Sonic. He turned around and they yelled "Soni chuuuu!"

"Oh shit they recognize me!" Sonic said. He pulled out his phone and looked up google translate. He then saw a guy in a bike with extra seats on the back. Sonic ran up to the guy and said "Hello?" The guy freaked the fuck out. He gave him not just his bike but his van plus a piece of paper with writing on it. Everyone got into the van and drove into the city.

The city was modest at best. Many of the buildings were rotting and were not all that safe looking. The streets were covered in people like packed on the sidewalk. Soon, they were in traffic.

"God damn, how long have we been staring at this fucking Toyota 85's ass? We haven't even moved more than a milmeter." Knuckles said as he slowly boiled with rage.

"Maybe we should stay at a hotel or something?" Samus asked while looking for any hotel of sorts.

"Let's listen to the radio." Snake suggested.

They turned on the radio. It blared some Indian music that sucked. Knuckles reached his boiling point.

"You know what! I'm fucking tired of this bullshit."

Knuckles slammed on the gas pedal. He rammed the Toyota and turned on to a different street. He then rolled down his window.

"Learn how to fucking drive old motherfucker!"

This new street was less crowded thankfully.

"Oh look, it's a hotel right there!" Samus pointed at the shit looking hotel. Knuckles turned into the parking lot.

"Wait do we have money?" Mario asked.

"I have some but it's American." Captain Falcon said.

"Look in the glove department." Samus told them.

They looked and found 3 thousand Indian rupees. So they went into the hotel paid for 7 rooms for each of them. They actually got discount because of Sonic and his fame which made it seem like he was a god or something.

Sonic stayed in room next to Samus so he heard many things he shouldn't have. He was watching some random soap opera when he heard Samus speaking to herself and it was quite loud.

"I think i should change right now." She said

Then she went to the bathroom and came back out.

"Aw I feel better now." She said in a kinda joyful voice.

Sonic thought she changed into some other outfit than her hoodie she was wearing. When she came out of her room, to Sonic's surprise, Samus was rocking the same outfit as she was before they even entered the hotel. Sonic was confused as nothing had really changed.

Must have been her bra or something, Sonic thought.

The usual person would just move on as they aren't gonna look for a reason to a stupid mystery. Sonic, however, is not the usual hedgehog. He is the fast thing alive but is quite the investigator of stupid. If he sees a mystery of any kind, he will solve that bitch with zero notice. Now he has a mystery on his hands.


	3. The Interlewd (Skip plz or be a rebel)

_Now kiddies it's time for the Sonic escapades show. Look away please._

Sonic has had a crush of sorts with Samus. He's had it since that day at the bar where he met her. But today he's found a mystery about her so he had to solve.

Sonic found a hole in the wall right next to Samus's bathroom so he set up a seat and waited for her to take a shower so he could see her change. _This was a bad idea, if you could not tell._

Samus came back to the hotel and took a shower. Sonic watched her get out and realized Samus did not have panties. Instead she was wearing depends? Nope, this can't be the case, Sonic thought. But his fear was confirmed when he saw a case of depends at her feet. Sonic almost vomited as he found that his human crush was a sick fuck who pissed and shat themselves.

That **thicc ass **was a dirty diaper that was a fart away from ripping the pants that hid it.

Sonic may have weird fetishes that might be more disgusting than diapers but that one butt made him sick.

Sonic, for some unknown reason, had the urge to confront Samus about her weird fantasy. So he knocked on her door. She answered and he asked the completely of "Why the fuck you into pampers?"

"Um what?" She replied very confused.

"You wear diapers you sick fuck." He questioned.

"I wear depends first off and I don't get turned on by them like a sick fuck!" She told in a kind of pissed off voice. " I have bladder issues that I can't just ignore. I would be pissing my pants every minute without my 'diapers' and hell I don't like them at all. If I truly was a fan of pampers, I would have shit in them by now."

"Well how can you explain that big butt of yours. That had to be soiled." Sonic said kind of snarkly.

"You have a big butt so it must be faker than photoshop." Samus said this mocking Sonic's voice. "Well maybe I have a big ass because of my depends or you know, I was born with it. Maybe I should poop myself just so my butts a little bigger."

Samus then grabbed Sonic by the neck and lifted him up.

"You know I kind of wanted to have sex with you but if you're gonna be talking shit to me about my life and my issues then I'm gonna have to ruin your life."

"But you wanted to fuck an animal!" Sonic said pissed a tad.

"Well you jack off to me so we're both in the wrong to be honest. Even if we fucked, i wouldn't get babies." She said this while smirking. She was enjoying this.

"Well maybe we can do it next time we're alone." Samus whispered this into Sonic's ears. She was smiling as she let the horny hedgehog down. He quickly went back to his room.


	4. I am one in the middle

_Now back to our regular programming._

Sonic laid in his bed. He was horny yet sicken by Samus and her 'issues'.

He turned on the tv and watched the news. He didn't know a single fucking word but it was that or shit that sucked. Suddenly a special report appeared. It had Sonic near a yellow Sonic? This was not Super Sonic but instead it was a Sonic look a like with parts of a Pikachu. Sonic googled Indian Sonic and he was mortified to find that the clone was a god to India. He took a picture and woke everyone up as something had to be done.

"Why the fuck do you want us to kill this guy?" Mario asked.

"He's been stealing my shit for too many years. This cunt has paid me zero pennies for the shit he's been pushing." Sonic replied. Everyone, despite being really tired, got in the van and began their drive to the head palace.

**Meanwhile in Dreamland.**

"Motherfucker, go go go!" Meta Knight said to his army. His army was fighting goombas and koopas as Bowser was invading Dreamland. King Dedede was standing atop his castle flinging waddle dees with his hammer onto the battlefield. Kirby rides into battle on his star and sucks. His sucks doesn't help that much as more and more of Bowser's troops appeared.

**Back in India.**

The gang had arrived at the palace of Chris Chan. He was American who moved to India with his son Sonichu, a Sonic ripoff. The door was unlocked so they walked in.

"Father, the food's here!" Sonichu yelled from a balcony in the front room. Chris Chan came from his disgusting ass room.

"Oh hello there." Chris said.

"Hello asshat, I'm here to collect my money." Sonic replied.

"I paid with credit card though." Chris looked stressed.

"Do I look like a delivery boy to you, idiot." Sonic then pulled a gun and shot Chris Chan. He died immediently.

"I can't believe you've done it." Sonichu said. "You fool." Sonichu then transformed into The Protector. He morphed from his Sonichu appearance by melting out of it.

"You motherfucker!" Mario yelled at him.

"Oh really." He said. The Protector snapped, stopping time leaving him and Mario in motion while everything was stopped.

"You're so pathetic Mr. Mario. You have this rage boiling inside you but you can't contain it in you. Why must you feel this rage?"

"I'm not filled with rage unless someone like you is around, fucking shit up!"

"But what if you're fooling yourself? You are told you are the hero but you just let your anger control you. Violence is your answer to any problem you're faced with. Why do you feel rage?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"You are proving my point. Your dad would not be proud of you. He misses you dearly since you fell down that hole."

Mario was shocked that The Protector knew of his past. He started to have a flashback.


	5. The memory

It was September 1991. Mario was 21 at the time and was working at Kong Bros. Plumbing with his dad and his brother Luigi who was 19. The company was formed in 86 by Mario's dad and the zoo who held Donkey Kong. Mario's dad had captured the ape after the escape of 81 which had made him a star of sorts. One day they were called to do the sewers of new york. It paid $400 a hour so they worked and worked.

"Hey Luigi. Look." Mario pointed at a hole in the ground.

"Damn, that's one big ass hole. Who the hell is drilling holes in the ground anyway?"

"Hey what if we jump into the hole and see what hobo is living down there?" He said as joke but they ultimately jumped in and they fell into the mushroom kingdom. That was the last time they saw anyone from their version of Earth.

The Protector then unfroze time.

He then transported them all to an above water base. 


	6. This is the ending

The battle field was huge. It was a mishmash of elements of many environments like green hill, shadow moses, hyrule, and many more. All kinds of characters were also there. Some villain some hero. The Protector was floating in the sky. He proceed to turn in a beast made of many objects which held his watery like metal body in a mech of sorts. It towered over everyone. Then it ran at them. It was battle time.

Many guns were fired, and many transformations happen but nothing could stop him. Soon everyone was gone.

But there's one left, Snake.

He hid far from the beast's sight so after everyone was dead, he called the life reviver number on his codec.

The Protector had powered down meaning he was able to be defeated by the revived heroes.

He then lifted in the air and glitched out.

"This is not the end ..e did it ...ill...lum did it ...towers ...ken...ush..ook..back of dollar bill...triangle...eye of go...media ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

He then exploded in a blinding light.

This brought everyone back to the regular world. 


	7. Nah Dawg, dis de end

The World was saved. Mario went back to the kingdom and became it's king while Luigi roamed the world. Captain Falcon went back to racing. Sonic had a one night stand with Samus which lead to them becoming friends. Samus had to sell her ship as she didn't get her job back. Knuckles went back to guarding the Master Emerald which somehow was not stolen. Snake got paid for his mission and live a peaceful life.

More things happened but they are not important enough to mention.

Thus ends the story of the Smash Bros. 


End file.
